Thursday, December 24, 2009

The Gift Of Your Presence, As Opposed To your presents

Just wanted to encourage everyone in my situation -- too broke for gifts -- the best gift you can give family and friends is the gift of your presence, not your presents -- gifts can get broken, be eaten and the packaging thrown away and forgotten, be the wrong size, be inappropriate w/o the giver knowing, but for your friends and family who love you, your presence, the sound of your voice, the way you look, the way you hug and kiss them, is always the most special gift of all -- don't feel inadequate because you aren't giving gifts, you are, yourself a beautiful and precious gift, just the way you are:) I consider all of you, my friends, as precious gifts:)

For my Christian friends in my situation, the best Christmas gift you can give Jesus is your believing, humbled, sincerely repentant heart, it is for this that He died for us.

Bank accounts don't tell how much you are worth, the Cross says how much you are worth, Jesus would have died just for you, if you had been the only person ever to be born on this Earth!

Merry Christmas, my precious gifts, my precious friends, Love you all!!

Monday, December 14, 2009

Where and Why My Journal Posts Have Disappeared

Hi Gang,

Most of you saw journal entry posts here, well I've created a new blog strictly for those, if you still want to read old and new entries of my on-line blog journal, the link for that is: ! The reason for this is, I feel it was causing some confusion, when I directed people here to read my poetry, and I hadn't written a poem in a while, only graphic journal entries. I also feel it may have turned some people off of my blog, because of the lingering harm caused by my childhood suffering, and the graphic nature of that suffering, as it came out of me in new memories. I'm leaving my Christian testimony here, making sure it has a graphic warning attached to it, because I feel it's important for all people reading this blog to know what God has delivered me out of. Why? You may well ask, it's not for my glory, or to have people pity me, or to have people feel I'm some sort of superwoman for surviving such extreme abuse, but rather, for God's Glory and Honor, so that we may together rejoice in what He has done for me. It is only because of His Grace, and for His Purpose that I survived such horrors. Now all who come here can enjoy reading the poetry He has written through me, without fear of a post being instead, a graphic journal entry sounding like something out of a horror movie.

Take Care,

Christmas Wonder, a new poem:)

Christmas Wonder

Gentle Baby Jesus dreaming,
Nestled deep in manger straw and hay,
Warmly swaddled against the night's chill
What do You dream of?
Are you dreaming of Your Father's, Our Father's Kingdom and the joy of being with Him?
For now You rest in sweetly smelling hay
Secure in Mary's Love and Joseph's protection.
The angels' lullaby sounding sweetly in Your ears.
Honored by wise kings and humble shepherds.
Welcomed joyfully on Christmas Day into the hearts of Christians for the
two millennia that have passed since Your birth,
that changed the destiny of all humankind from eternal death to eternal life by Your amazing sacrifice of love for us all.
How blessed we all are by Your willingness to be on Earth with us all,
So very long ago!
Thank You for Your Tender Love!

by Kerri Wickhorst,
Through God's Blessing,
And For His Glory Alone.

Thursday, October 29, 2009

Awesome words from a dream, Wow!

This came to me in a dream, and awed me, knew I had to share it, Wow!

Come, all you broken in heart, all you crushed in spirit, all who recognize you can’t do it in your own strength, Come! Come you weary ones, Come you ones without hope, Come those seeking Me without knowing Me, Come! Come you ones under heavy trials, you ones in the midst of the storm, you ones feeling all alone in your difficult life situations, Come! Come you who feel you can’t be forgiven, the only sin I can’t forgive is those considering the works of My Holy Spirit to be the works of satan. Come! Come kneel at My Feet, I will pick you up, and dry your tears, I will restore your broken hearts, and crushed spirits, I will give you My Strength to replace your own, I will give rest for your weariness, I will give you My Hope for your despair, I will find you in your seeking, and give you Knowledge of Me for your ignorance of Me, I will carry you through the trials replacing your burdens with My Peace that surpasses all your understanding, I will calm your every storm with My Words, I will so fill you with My Presence that you will know you aren’t alone, I will forgive your sins, and heal you of the effects of your sin, it is why I suffered on the Cross for you. My Heart and My Father’s are one, We are willing that no one should perish, We love all of you so much, so come believe in Me, come and trust in Me, and we shall be together in Paradise when Our Father has made the Earth anew, Come!!

Monday, October 19, 2009

Homesick, my newest poem

Autumn makes me homesick
Longing for reds, oranges and browns
Here in Calgary
Yellows alone are around
Grew up in Montreal and Ontario
Where all the glorious colors of Autumn
Unfurl their skirts to the soon to be bare trees and gentle autumn sky
As the leaves fall in one last dance of skirts swirling to their dance partner the cold autumn wind
twirling around in air until they lie on the ground
one day soon they will feel their last embrace
eager or indifferent feet crunching them underfoot in the city
a squirrel deer or other woodland creature in the woods
laughing children jumping into the delightful crunch of leaves piled high
a landscaper's rake gathering them into bags for disposal
Those left on the ground will shiver as the snow covers them in a final sleep but
They will live again baby leaves in Spring unfurling their tiny green skirts
To their mother the Sun growing once more into their beautiful colors of Autumn
As the circle of life continues for everyone
I'm homesick for more than the colors
I miss our family united as one
no memories of an abusive childhood estranging me from my mother and father
knowing how to contact my oldest brother 19 years since last we talked
An ordinary Christmas with my loving family all around me
Last time was Christmas 2004
I feel orphaned with no siblings
Like an autumn leaf abandoned by the wind
lying on the forest floor wrapped only in a thin red skirt
against the autumn night's chill.
God's Love is there for the orphan
it covers me like a thick warm blanket
restoring me body and soul
I have a loving Father again,
and a loving Brother Jesus,
I dance in gratitude swirling my purple skirt of royalty
before the King of Kings.
Written By Kerri Wickhorst,
Through God's Blessing,
And For His Glory Alone.

Friday, September 11, 2009

Freedom Never Dies, My Poem In Memory of 9/11/01

Freedom Never Dies -- In Memory of 9/11/01:
The Lady Liberty seemed to stand alone, As the planes flew in on their mission of destruction. But our Lord Jesus was weeping helplessly, His Loving Arms enfolding her, enfolding all of New York in great tenderness. Satan and the terrorists his servants seemed to have won but they never crushed America’s spirit of liberty. Many heroes died that day, defending freedom -- my thoughts go out my heart goes out to Todd Beamer the passengers of Flight 93, and the many rescue workers who died trying to save others, and their families. He wept and enfolded Washington and Shanksville in great tenderness later that day. I know my Savior suffered with all of us that day. Freedom never dies -- it may suffer -- it may be forced to go underground in oppressed nations but freedom’s light shines on unwaveringly, for it is powered by the Light of the World, Jesus, who paid the price for our salvation and our freedom with His Precious Blood. Lady Liberty’s torch shone through the dust, shone through the darkness, bringing the light of hope to the weary New Yorkers, to a weary grieving nation disheartened by the events of a very horrible day. As a Canadian, I grieved, and I grieve with thee, I prayed and I pray with thee and for thee, for I love you all, today and always! Not only the towers fell that day, hardened hearts fell to their knees, the lost sought out Jesus in tears, suddenly it was okay to mention God again in the media. In pain, shock and confusion, a nation and the world sought out the only answer Jesus Our Lord, for He has never left us nor forsaken us. America’s Bald Eagle wings were broken under the weight of grief and terror, but they have healed, and freedom flies again. We must hold on, We must keep rolling out to do the work of Our Lord in this world. If humanity gives up, and loses its resolve, then this world will grow darker than the skies over New York that September morning. While justice must be sought, we must never seek out vengeance, for vengeance breeds hatred, and hatred is the enemy of love breeding violence for its own sake. May God Bless and protect America, and May He Bless Us All.

By Mrs. Kerri Wickhorst,
Through God’s Blessing,
And For His Glory Alone.
Sept 11, 2002 by Mrs. Kerri Wickhorst all rights reserved.

A Note To Poetry or Book Publishers
You have my permission to freely publish the above poem in a magazine, or in a book, without asking me if you can do it -- with the stipulation that all profits made by that magazine or book be donated to families of the 9/11/01 victims, to help rebuild their lives. I make this stipulation knowing full well that I have never been nationally published in Canada or the States, and never internationally published. I do not want to cheapen the spirit of the victims or their families by making a profit from the publication of this poem. Please use my name that I may one day be a published poet and writer which is my lifelong dream -- that’s all I ask.

Sunday, September 6, 2009

How Purrfectly Sweet A New Poem!

How Purrfectly Sweet
Snuggled into each other,
Two cats
Wrapped warmly in love,
I think when my eyes close in sleep,
I'm snuggled up warm on Father God's lap
Safe, secure, and peaceful
My burdens lying by His Cross
If foolishly I take those too heavy to carry on my own
He whispers on the wind "Let me help you carry them"
How wonderfully cativating to think of peaceful deep sleep
Wrapped in paws of love
Perhaps to a cat, Father God is Daddy Cat,
and they rest peacefully in between His Paws.
I only know the sweetness of resting on His Lap,
As a weary child rests in the arms of a good parent,
Until the morning sun rises and awakens me.

By Kerri Wickhorst, aka Wise Poetess,
Through God's Blessing,
And For His Glory Alone.

P.S. What a lovely first birthday gift for me, a new poem, Hurrah, my birthday is Sunday September 6th, it's currently 1:19AM, and I've just turned 44! Take care all!!

Tuesday, August 18, 2009

Blankets Of Beauty, My Brand New Poem!!

(Written August 18, 2009)
Blankets of Beauty,
Enfolding the Earth in multi-colored hues,
Crocheted from quiet waiting seeds
By the sun and softly gentle falling rains.
I want to leave them like that forever,
But all too soon they are havested by human hands,
Their beauty turned into barren empty brown dirt.
If left alone, they rot, a sign again that this world is imperfect.
I long for the bright fields of Heaven,
Roses and other flowers whose beauty never fades,
Who sing praises to Our Lord Jesus,
By their brightness and beauty alone.
One day I will join them, in a new body that will never die,
Forever at peace, my pain and struggles over, resting and rejoicing in Him,
with all the Heavenly Host I will sing His Praises forevermore

By Kerri Wickhorst,
Through God's Blessing,
And For His Glory Alone.

Wednesday, August 12, 2009

My Poetry 11: Sometimes

(Written October 15, 2008)
Sometimes I'm so impatient
In such a hurry to get where I'm going...
I forget Your Word "Be Still"
Sometimes I can't find something important and get frantic...
I forget the other half of Your Word "And Know That I Am God."
Sometimes I struggle with trials and temptations
Willing to do almost anything
To silence the pain, loneliness, and emptiness trials can bring...
The answer isn't in addictions, giving into temptation or sin.
Our emptiness can only be satisfactorily filled by Your Love.
Your Healing is the only balm to emotional pain
and sometimes -- we are meant to suffer for a short time -- for our own spiritual good.
Your Loving Presence eases our loneliness.
The answer is to trust, fight the good fight, win the race and rest in You.
Knowing that temptation always has a way out and our restless hearts find their best rest in You.
No matter what happens in our lives -- You still reign -- fear not You whisper in Your Word so many times.
You are with us always -- even unto the end of the world.
Help us to trust Your Loving Care and let it cast out all our fears.
Thank You and Praise You, Loving God, for Your Loving Care.

Monday, August 10, 2009

My Poetry 10: You Carry Me Through The Storms Of Life

(Written February 21, 2008)
You Carry Me Through The Storms Of Life

When the sun rises and I'm in the midst of storms too powerful for me,
You call, compassionately,
Encouraging me to lay my burdens on Your Broad Shoulders
When I do, exhausted from a sleepless night
You give me Your Light Yoke to carry,
Then You raise me up with Your
Tender Compassion, Love, and Comfort and
I have the strength to serve You another day.

You never fail me Lord Jesus, and I'm so grateful that
You are always there
That You called my name when I was lost in darkness and
Invited me into Your Own Wonderful Light
I rejoice in You and trust in Your Love,
and I will forever!

When the day comes that I walk into Your Kingdom meeting
Our Father, You and the Holy Spirit,
Then shall we soar together forever Jesus,
On Eagles Wings,

By Kerri Wickhorst,
Through God's Blessing,
And For His Glory Alone!!

My Poetry 9: Surrounded By Angels Without Wings

(Written Nov 18th, 2007)
Surrounded By Angels Without Wings
We are all here to serve Him,
But as I see the talents of my precious
Brothers and Sisters, I feel their love and,
I'm just a King's kid
Serving the best I can among His Angels of Fellowship,
His Angels of Compassion
Humbled mightily by the Jesus I
see in each of your shining faces
The Jesus I feel in each loving embrace
The willingness to pray if I'm in trouble
Humbles me most of all
The child who was hurt cries
"Who am I to be prayed for and loved?"
I answer, "Who am I not to be?"
Jesus died for all of us including me
I'm here for you
To share a laugh or two
Or to weep and pray
Each day I hold each of you in my
thoughts and heart
I pray for you knowing we're never really apart
Hearts connected and entwined
In His Compassionate Heart
For eternity in
The Kingdom of His Love.

By Kerri Wickhorst,
Through God's Blessing and For His Glory Alone.

My Poetry 8: You Didn't Have To Come

(Written Nov 6th, 2007)
You Didn't Have To Come

I'm awed and so thankful to you Jesus
I don't know Lord when Our Father gave His Plan to You
But You could have looked into the future
Have seen those who would revile instead of revere
Who would hate instead of love You
You could have seen the horrible crimes and sins
Some of us have done as humanity
Have shaken Your Head and said "No, they aren't worth the saving, find another way if You must."
That dark night in the Garden
When Your disciples slept
and our mutual enemy showed You all the sins
that ever had, and ever would be committed
by us as humanity.
You could have just said "Father take this cup from me,"
Instead of saying it and submitting to His Will in Your next sentence.
No one of us would have blamed You.
The Pharisees' scorn,
The crowd's cruel demand to crucify
The scourge's brutal lashes
The agony of nails through Your Hands
That only touched in Healing and Love,
Through Your Feet that walked only
to deliver Your Message of Peace and Love for others
Your gift of Salvation so simple and free
There are still those who say "I'm going to Hell and that's fine with me."
My heart shudders and weeps with You
Do they really know what they are saying?
What awaits them?
I'm alive for only one thing
To do what You and Our Father want me to do
To arrive in Heaven having accomplished His Purpose
For my life here, and to have truly loved
That's the future I hold most dear.

By Kerri Wickhorst,
Through God's Blessing and For His Glory Alone.

My Poetry 7: After A Long Night, The Freshness Of Morning

(Written September 25th, 2007)
After A Long Night, The Freshness Of Morning

When the darkness creeps in at sunset and,
All creatures of day grow still
We weep as Christians at our sins,
Our falling short
O but if we turn towards Him,
In the sincerity of a repentant heart
He turns and faces us
Cleansing us of all unrighteousness
We are new again
As the sun rises every morning
so it is with His Mercy
Robed in righteousness
Free as any eagle to soar
A New Creation
Whom the Son sets free,
Is free indeed
So turn sweet sister, sweet brother
His Arms of Loving Mercy are
Ready to enfold you
Don't listen to the accuser
For those who are sincerely repentant and
Sorrowful He will not spurn
You will be one with the Kingdom again
Come soar with me at break of day
Rejoicing in His Mercy and Faithfulness
Great is Thy Faithfulness, O Lord Our God

By Kerri Wickhorst,
Through God's Blessing and For His Glory Alone.

My Poetry 6: Lifelong Wine

Dedicated to Drew Strickland, whose sermon September 23 was the inspiration

(Written September 23, 2007)
Lifelong Wine
When I cry out to Jesus `Lord, I have no more wine`
He hears my cry and the springs of living water in my soul are transformed; into the new wine of fresh inspiration, fresh hope, and fresh strength for the journey of a life lived in service to Him.

The new wine is His Loving Presence transformed into what we need spiritually for the journey in that moment.

What joy there shall be at the Wedding Feast of the Lamb, when we shall all soar, filled forever with the New Wine, united to His Loving Presence with Our Father and the Holy Spirit Forevermore.

By Kerri Wickhorst,
Through God’s Blessing and,
For His Glory Alone.

Thursday, August 6, 2009

My Poetry 5: Elf Dreams

(Written June 8, 2009)
Elf Dreams
I am a child sleeping and still,
Lost in JRR Tolkien's magic world,
Leaves Of Lorien, or perhaps the Green Wood, Legolas's home
before into dark Mirkwood it became,
Have become my hair
Orcs don't see me,
As my arrows fly stealthily
Into their dark hearts
I peek into fair Mirror Mere,
Innocently for in this dream I am a child,
unskilled in the ways of magic
given to archery, mirth and verse
but I do see my future
An Elven maiden fair and archer beyond compare,
Legolas alone bests me in skill,
Beside Legolas I ride
On noble Rainbow Dreams my loyal steed.
We are off to adventure and war
Battling against Mordor and Sauron,
With Gandalf The White and Gentle Noble Aragorn leading us.
When old and gray and weary I grow, off to the Grey Havens I will go,
That land few non-elven folk know, only those most noble, most deserving of reward
There will I rest on that far off shore
Remembered afterwards only in legend forevermore.
By Kerri Wickhorst,
Through God's Blessing,
and For His Glory Alone.

My Poetry 4: Sonset

(written May 26, 2009.)
Day draws to a close
Son of Man and Our Father God
Gently paint the sky in glowing light
Perhaps the pathway to Heaven is the reflection on the water
It looks like a pathway home
Sunrises remind us of His Mercy
Sunsets remind me of Good Friday
Though it seemed so dark that terrible day
The Light of the World merely rested in the Earth
His Light never quenched just as the sun
never will stop rising as long as Earth exists
Though the night seems dark and long
The sun bursts through the darkness to bring us light.
Just as when we became Christians,
The Light of The World
Rose in our hearts removing all our darkness
How beautiful this is
How my heart bursts with joy that this is.
Beautiful that the mountain also is bathed in light
It means that through all the mountains of trial, heartache, and pain
we must face in this life He is with us as
He promised we are never alone
He never leaves us nor forsakes us
As the sunlight caresses the mountain,
So His Arms caress us gently with caring and concern
Giving us the strength for another day.
By Kerri Wickhorst,
Through God's Blessing,
and For His Glory Alone.

My Poetry 3: End Of Travelling Sweet Delight

(Written May 5, 2009)
End Of Travelling Sweet Delight
My love, my only one,
We have travelled far from our winter resting place,
Some of our friends and their fragile wings have not made it so far
We rest breathlessly on beauty,
Flowers colours mingled beneath our own,
How sweet to once more be warm and safe in springtime,
Soon we must once more gather food
Oh my love, my only one,
What joy to fly with thee,
Though the perils be many,
Especially in late fall and winter
It is worth it all to fly at your side,
Drinking in your fragile beauty for love of thee.
Ready for summer, we rest for this precious time,
Before the busyness of life once more makes us fly
My love and joy surround thee, love of my life, rest with me.
By Kerri Wickhorst,
Through God's Blessing,
And for His Glory Alone.

N.B.: This was my May Poetry Challenge Entry at my poetry site owned by a friend -- I won!

My Poetry 2: A Labyrinth Prayer

(Written April 23, 2009)
A Labyrinth Prayer
Standing outside the Labyrinth
Conscious of the sacredness of this place,
This precious sacred time.
I stand burdened helpless troubled but hopeful.
The candles bravely flickering,
Especially those that are nearly giving out,
Inspire me to remember that this world is not completely dark.
I walk the labyrinth in tears until I am ready to let go.
In the center of the labyrinth,
I speak to Mother God and Mother Earth,
Giving my tears to her oceans,
The rocks of my pain to form her mountains,
Beauty from ugliness.
Mother Earth always absorbs our toxins.
In this sad world we as humanity like to hide our hurts,
Grief, and the ugliness of our physical toxins.
We bury our physical toxins in landfills,
And our hurts and grief poison our hearts.
Mother Earth continually restores herself.
If we surrender our emotional hurts and grief,
She restores our hearts bringing beauty from ashes setting us free,
While Father God is filling us with His Peace and His Loving Presence.
We often throw our stones of pain at each other,
Trying to empty and cleanse our hearts.
Oh lay them at the feet of Mother Nature’s volcanoes and
The righteous rage of Her Lava will cleanse them and
Meld them into things of beauty from ashes and ugliness.
By Kerri Wickhorst,
Through God’s Blessing,
And For His Glory Alone.

My Poetry 1: Grieving

(Written February 7th, 2009)


My heart is full of tears melting after being frozen into waterfalls after so many years.
A gentle rain finally being let go easing my long buried pain and grief,
even if my tears stay in the clouds of my heart;
Instead of pouring freely down my cheeks
At least I'm feeling the grief and letting it go.
Closed locked doorways are opening
All my losses seem to want to finish and be free at once.
It overwhelms me at times and I feel alone, but
I know You are with me,
Your Arms of Comfort are around me Lord
As they have been so often in my life.
I am so blessed to be Your Daughter
Looking forward to Resurrection Day.
Even now You gently wipe my tears away
How wonderful it will be to have them all wiped away forever on that glorious day.
Frozen waterfalls of tears break our hearts
As glaciers break rocks beneath them.
Only in being released can You finally heal us
Not even leaving a scar behind
These are the broken hearts being restored and healed that are spoken of in Your Word.
Thank You for Your Love, Healing, and Restoration of me Loving Lord my God!

Written By Kerri Wickhorst,
Through God's Blessing and For His Glory Alone.

Thursday, July 30, 2009

My Testimony, Be Careful Graphic, Read With Care, Survivor Friends!

Journey To Find A Father's Love

The full and complete testimony of Mrs. Kerri Wickhorst, revised March 26, 2008 to add two major memories one remembered Oct 21, 2007, and the other February 5, 2008.

I grew up, in what looked like a normal home on the outside, and when we were out in public. On the inside, when no one was watching, the lives of us 4 children were Hell. My Mom was terrified of my Dad, with good reason. She was allowed to raise us Catholic, to look normal to the outside world, learning about Jesus, my Grandmother's unconditional love for me, my Mom's struggles to protect me, and all of us; although she was helpless most of the time, and, you may not believe this, but I know it to be true in faith, the Archangel Gabriel, helped me to survive my Dad's extreme cruelty. He was, and for all I know, still is the High Priest of a satanic cult, I walked away from it at 18, and I've never looked back. My Dad started when I was just 3 months old, fondling me, of course, all I have are vague images, I was so young, but I remember in truth. Gabriel came to me, and led me to a beautiful garden surrounded by healing white light, he taught me how to create different personalities, to absorb the trauma, Jesus was there, and we hugged each other, that's how I survived, I have over 200+. This continued, without interruption until I was 2, then I was baptized into the cult, I'll describe the ritual in detail this once, so you will know, what 3,4,or 5, nights of each week and the entire month of October was like, from Halloween when I was 2, until I left at 18. They had a goat there, that they killed, and then poured the blood over my head, and over all the two year olds heads that were being baptized. They chanted, hail satan, and said "this daughter of our leader is now yours her life is consecrated to you" My palms of my hands and my knees, were cut with knives with satanic symbols, as they continued to chant. The children including myself, were all forced to drink a small amount of the blood of the goat. Then we were all tied down onto steel pentagrams, and the adults who outnumbered us 2 to 1, took turns raping us. They untied the children who were 9 and older, and forced them to rape us younger ones, I remember, my brother, 11 years old, standing up to them, and saying "No" twice, for each "No" he got 10 lashes with a 6 ft long horsewhip from the first that I remember, my youngest brother was that brave, and tried to protect me and the others. I pray that he may find Jesus in all His Loving Fullness, my brother is currently a so called Christmas/Easter Catholic. Then the older children were tied down again, and they closed the ritual by forcing all of us to chant in praise of satan, even that young, I can remember hating it. Then they untied us, and dressed us all in our black cloaks, it was over. The basement where we were, was next to a graveyard, with open fields all around us, the house had been deserted for years, so even if we screamed, no one heard us. Of course I found this out much later, I don't remember all that from being 2. The walls were all painted black, with crucifixes hanging upside down, and black candles providing light. I endured deprivation of food and water, chained so I couldn't move and bestiality as part of the cult from the ages of 2-18. The deprivation of food and water was like this: Being in a basement room all alone, smells of stale sweat and fear, old bread and flat water. I am 8, and have been told I don't deserve food, water or people, because I refused to do a cult ritual. Sometimes when I refused I would be just knocked unconscious and used anyway... but this is what happened half the time. I haven't had any food except one slice of stale bread in 6 hours. I've had only 1 glass of warm water in that time, both at the very beginning. They said the only reason I got that bit of food and water was to make me hungry and thirsty for more, and that I wouldn't get anymore until they gave it to me. The door is locked, and I am handcuffed, and leg cuffed to the floor, in such a way that I cannot move, and cannot after all this time, feel my hands and feet in the cuffs. Cold, just in my thin undershirt and panties. No pillow or mattress, just the bare floor. Exhausted, I try to sleep. After what seems like forever, they come in, and release me. They throw me another stale slice of bed, and warm glass of water. I eat and drink desperately, in case they take it away. They tell me it's been 10 hours, and soon I can go home. Without warning they chloroform me. When I come to, I'm in my dad's big van, and we are on the way home. Finally it is over. Longest time is when I was 16 -- 2 days, must have been on the weekend or they would have missed me at school. I was told each time, how long I was there, as a warning not to rebel in future, or just so they could tell me to be cruel with my becoming hungry after all the time I was in there and suffered. The bestiality was like this: I don't know how old I was, it looks like 2 or 3, and kept happening until I was 17, 18. They brought in male dogs who were all excited because they had just been with female dogs in heat, and thought it was so exciting to watch girls and boy dogs have sex with each other, worst of it was my dad and the other men playing with themselves in excitement. Endured live burials with and without biting spiders being thrown into the coffin from the age of 4-18. This is what the live burials were like: There is a deep hole in the ground, and what looks like a coffin beside it They have this big ceremony, of "making love to me", saying it's the last time, about ten adults from the cult, including my dad Then they put me in the thing that looks like a coffin, nail down the lid, and put me in the ground, I black out from sheer fright, when I come to, they are digging me out, they are laughing as they are digging, saying "She isn't dead after all, we made a mistake" Ugh, my so called mom was there too, I thought she loved me, and she didn't even try to stop them, she laughed too. I was 9. Sometimes they poured in these horrible brown spiders the shape of black widows, which would bite me, sometimes not. When I was 6, they sacrificed a goat, as the wedding offering, and the blood was their version of holy water. The wedding itself was to satan, or someone dressed up like him, with horns, pitchfork and tail then we had wedding wine, aka the blood of the goat, and the whole thing was a black mass mockery of the Catholic wedding mass, then we had our "honeymoon" being raped three times by our supposed new husband satan, and being told that now we could never be saved by anyone, because we belonged totally to him now. When I was 10, the happy anniversary was similar, they had another black mass to celebrate, and said that since we had been married to him for 4 long years, we would never be free, and if we got free of him and remembered, we would have to commit suicide, then we were raped again 3 times by the same cult member dressed the same way. If they wanted to have a Black Mass, they would have blood as a parody of holy water, and eat raw meat, as a parody of the Eucharist. I witnessed/was forced to participate in 17 murders in 16 years, 4 of them were tests, to see who was to be the next leader, they were drownings, if you lived, you were supposed to be the leader, if you died, oh well, too bad. 4, 12 and 16, with 2 happening at 12. God Bless Jasmine, Robert, Ben, and Jonathan, I know they are in the arms of Jesus. God had other plans for me, I survived the tests that killed them. When I was 5, a cult member got angry, at Claire, my secret best friend in the cult, also 5. She said, "No" and he started choking her to make her submit, it was a common method of controlling us, and he went too far, and killed her in rage. We were all supposed to hate and mistrust each other. Beginning at age 10, until age 17, I was forced to participate in killing too many goats to count, and 9 children who refused to kill. We all get in a car and go to the airport, there aren't too many of us, the so-called dad, me, and some other kids who passed the test of drowning without dying to see who would be the next leaders of the cult. We go to Stonehenge -- we are 10, but some of the other outside kids are up to 18, almost ready to be youth leaders. There are many goats in the circle, and we are all told to lay hands on them one at a time, so we do, there are about 20 that get touched, and 30 that don't get touched. The ones that we touched, we now find out are the ones that will die, we are each given a knife to kill the ones we selected. I don't want to -- they are innocent and harmless, just like me, why should I kill? But I see what happens to the kid who refuses to kill, my so-called dad takes his knife and kills him. So I do what I have to do, not liking it at all, it's part of leader training, we have to be able to kill, if we are to lead. The way we killed the goats, and the kids who refused to kill -- we were each given a knife, and an adult cult member would hold the knife with us, helping us to slit the throats of the goats and the kids. What hurts most is that I feel like a cowardly murderer, I killed 9 kids, and more goats than I can count... it's hard to feel like I deserve to live -- why am I not on death row? It goes on once a year, until I turn 17, by then we have been killing the younger ones who refuse to kill since we were 15 -- we are murderers of goats and children -- we don't deserve to live. At age 11, I witnessed a man being killed -- We are 11, someone's coming down the stairs, it's a big man. We shrink, but he says "What's going on here, all these kids tied up, I'm going to get the police, you are all sick." We look at him in wonder a grown up who sees this as wrong? This is new! We don't know how he came, but hope he can help. 20 adults against one, hopeless. our so called dad catches him around the ankles with one slash of his long horsewhip, and he goes down hard. It's close to Easter, so they take him, knocked out from the fall, and nail him with a nail gun to a big upside down cross in the corner. They gag him, as he starts waking up, and put the cross into a hole in the floor that holds it up. The so called dad tortures him with lashes from the horsewhip, until he dies, besides the nails in his hands and feet, there is a tight rope around his neck, so whenever he gets knocked out from the torture, it chokes him. He could have saved us! We saw this, and lost all hope. The other two murders were my dear children, that my Dad ordered sacrificed as to satan. I was 17 and 18, Beth when I was 17, and Keith when I was 18 I became pregnant, and in my eight month for both, I was knocked out with ether, which they used a lot of, tied down in a pentagram, and my babies taken out in a crude c-section. Then their throats were slit right before my eyes. I've never had any other children. I wasn't quite as brave as my brother, I only resisted in the cult from the age of 15, on, beginning with the baptism of my youngest nephew, where I only took one set of 10 lashes, that day I feel I had no courage, the rest of the time, I took 2 sets it was always with either a 3 foot plastic coated chain, or a 6 ft horsewhip in the cult. My Dad when he was very angry at us for something, would hit us with either a 3 ft plastic coated chain or 6 ft horsewhip, otherwise it was bare hands, or anything he could get his hands on. The bravest thing I feel I ever did, was I was 18 in the cult, I threw off my black cloak, and said to them all, looking my Dad straight between the eyes "You can kill me, but I won't be part of this cult that hurts people." and walked away, I've never looked back. It was a few months after Keith was killed, that I did this. Besides what was happening in the cult, my Dad was and is an alcoholic, and to get extra money for his drinking, forced me to be a child prostitute and porn star, I resisted from the age of 4 on, and wound up being pushed down more sets of stairs then I care to remember. Then my Dad would find out I'd been bad, and I'd get whipped at home. The other thing that was happening to me from the ages of 2-18, which I remembered around 2002, was being sexually abused by Catholic priests, and I’ll describe a memory just this once so you will know what used to happen to me once, twice or three times a month, when I was at church. I am 6, and we are at church. After Mass the priest calls me and Mom. He says to Mom "You have such a beautiful daughter, so well behaved, may I take her to the sacristy and give her a special blessing?" Mom, beaming with pride says, "Of course Father." He takes me to the back, I don’t really want to go, I know what’s coming. He strips me down very quickly and wasting no time lies me on my stomach and rapes me anally. Under his breath he says to himself "It’s not really sexual sin, I didn’t go through the front, I went through the back" Out loud he says "Your Mother will never believe you if you tell and God is so pleased that we loved each other if you tell, you’ll go straight to Hell" He tells me to hurry up and get dressed, just as I am dressed Mom comes, we go home, and it’s over. It hurt so much, but I never did tell. Nearly all of the times priests abused me, it was as I have just described to you, they didn’t seem to think that they were sinning, if they did it to my rear end, and they all thought that God was pleased with them, because we were loving one another, as God has called us to love one another. I struggled for a long time, remaining Catholic, but always fearful in church, and most of the time unable to go, and starving for weekly Christian fellowship in a church. Finally, Sept 14, 2003, I abandoned the struggle, and asked God to show me a church where I could worship Him without fear, and so I now worship in the United Church of Canada, and November 30, 2003, I reaffirmed my faith in Christ in a special ceremony with them. I’m full of joy when I see the church, and participate in the services there, it’s such a warm and loving community. So I know you are all saying, "How is she overcoming, how is she obtaining the victory in Christ?" Jesus used 12 years of counselling, and He is still touching me with His Healing Hands, for I have just found out, that I need to do the work of beginning a healing journey to deal with the ancestral roots from my family tree. Many of my memories, and much of my childhood I do feel healed from and victorious. my daily struggle to be free is, most of the time, just routine, some days I'm strong or very strong, but on my bad days, when I struggle to, or feel I can't fight against all of it, God help me. What I grew up in, . What I grew up in, they not only told me I was worthless in 3 ways – 1. that I was the worthless spawn of satan, 2. that I was a worthless slut and better get used to making my living that way, and 3 just that I was a worthless human being, My abusers used programming, mind control, brainwashing, under severe torture to try and turn me into an obedient robot who would never leave the cult, and if I did and remembered, suicide triggers were there in place, if those didn't work, they had crazy triggers (Trying to make me think I was crazy, and needed to check into a mental institution), where they could, as "concerned family", check you out to take care of you, and have you back in the cult quickly, for more Hell. My most painful programming to overcome is, the self-mutilation addiction programming, I have had months free of it, never hit a year yet. The lie I was told was “No one can love you, not even God – you are the evil spawn of satan and you have to be punished for your sins to go to Heaven – no one can do it for you so you must do if yourself. I’ve learned to remember Christ on the Cross and that my sins were paid in full by Jesus. I've had to be, and continue to have to be, very strong, but as I heal and grow, this adult woman named Kerri is becoming more and more a normal human being. Know there is nothing to fear from me, miraculously, God has made me a warm compassionate person, very giving and very loving. Except towards myself, but that's nothing to do with God, I'm learning. I accepted Jesus as my personal Saviour and Lord, May 16, 1986, when I was 20. I started remembering everything at 21, in bits and pieces, that I slowly healed from. I didn't remember the cult stuff until 1995, God is merciful, and His Timing is perfect, if I'd remembered everything all at once, I know I would have either committed suicide, or gone insane. 70% to 90% of all cult survivors do either one, in the first year of remembering. So Jesus truly has a purpose for my life. I've known 14 years. I don't think it's a coincidence, that just as I was starting to remember the worst memories of my life, in the spring of 1995, I learned about the Live-In retreat, and attended my first Live-In June 2-4, 1995. Over the past almost 14 years, God has used the Live-In to miraculously heal me, and comfort me of the pain of the past. He's also used it to physically heal me, at healing masses, and in the Live In itself. Just before I began to work again, (I was on welfare for 3 and a half years) I went to this healing mass where there were 3 priests, and they talked about all these different joints that were being healed, I raised my hand for almost every joint they mentioned, and was fully healed from fibromyalgia, never a twinge or a moment of morning stiffness or anything since. Then on the day before my birthday, I was feeling sorry for myself, because I had no money to celebrate with, and wouldn't be getting a dinner out or gifts. I went to a healing mass, with a bad migraine headache, and was prayed over. I rested in the Holy Spirit, and when I got up, my headache was gone, and I’ve never had another one. God's way of telling me, you don't need money to get a gift for your birthday. My Brothers in Christ, from my Live-In Retreats, and prayer meetings, God Bless them, they taught me that not every man is like my father, that it was safe to be around some men. Through this I was able to discover the Miracle of My Heavenly Father's Love, I went from God being just as cruel and frightening as my Dad, only with limitless power to hurt, to being His little 5 or 6 year old Daughter who cuddles in His Lap with complete trust, to share joys, sorrows, whatever. That is a great miracle. Praise Jesus! I also learned that priests were safe through Father Ignatius Tran, who saved my life the Saturday of my first Live-In, through confession, when I was ready to commit suicide because I thought I couldn't be forgiven for abusing my niece in the cult. Later, I met Father Claire Watrin, the founder of the Live-In retreat movement, and his kindness and gentleness to me, did a great deal to heal the hurt that was done to me as a child. Lastly, I've come full circle, at the October 2004 Live-In, Father Ian McRae heard my confession that I had left the Catholic Church, and joined the United Church of Canada because of what happened to me as a child. His compassion, and in particular, his saying the words that still haunt me "What a terrible thing to happen to a little girl" with tears in his eyes, broke the power of the lies I had been told and had believed as a child, that it was God's Will I was hurt, and that every priest believed that. It's been a process of growing, and changing, I've been set free of my overeating of sweets addiction, I still struggle with 2 others, but have had months of freedom for both. Haven’t hit a year yet. I keep growing in knowledge of His Love for me, and the Power found in the Name of Jesus, which all Christians can have, to defeat the enemy. The enemy often attacks me, but I just send Jesus to answer the door, most of the time, and he turns tail and runs away. There are times when my past still troubles me, with new memories; I've learnt to give them immediately to Jesus. I do ask you all to keep me in your prayers, there are times when the enemy is unrelenting, and I struggle mightily, he wants me back, he will never get me, but the struggle gets exhausting, and of course at times I do fall in defeat and confusion, so I ask to be part of your prayers often. God Bless You All, and remember, if you forget this old gal, who loves ya, you have lost nothing, if you forget Jesus who loves ya so much, you have lost everything, so always abide in His Love. Peace be with you all.

Tuesday, July 28, 2009

Welcome To The Prairie Mail

Hi All,

I've never had a blog before, so this is a first time thing for me, I wanted a place where I could post my poetry, testimony, and things I was thinking about and feeling. A little bit about me, I'm a Christian, who went through extreme abuse as a child. Through God's Grace, these horrific experiences did not leave me hard and bitter, but compassionate, empathic, and forgiving in spite of everything. I look forward to your comments and thoughts on my testimony, poetry, and other posts. Know that prayer requests are always welcome here!! They will be prayed over as soon as I see them! Take care, all

Kerri Wickhorst.